Common sense suggests that someone who remarries is older, wiser, more mature, has learned from their mistakes, and knows better what they want and need in a partner. Therefore, the divorce rate for second marriages would be expected to be substantially lower than the rate for first marriages, but despite our commonsense expectations, the divorce rate for subsequent marriages is, in fact, significantly higher than that of first marriages—65%, nearly two out of three!
Common sense suggests that someone who remarries is older, wiser, more mature, has learned from their mistakes, and knows better what they want and need in a partner. Therefore, the divorce rate for second marriages would be expected to be substantially lower than the rate for first marriages. Despite our commonsense expectations, according to demographic data, the divorce rate for subsequent marriages is, in fact, significantly higher than that of first marriages—65%, nearly two out of three!
Been there, done that. The belief that all marriages are the same. Each relationship is unique and dynamic and has its own flow. Paying attention to the individuals involved in the Now can allow you to stretch yourself and learn new ways of interacting: communication & fair fighting can be learned skills. However, they are part of the dance of engagement that every couple must figure out. And becomes more important the 2nd time around as lives are usually more complicated with ex’s & kids & in-laws, both old ones and new ones!
Some comparisons are inevitable. We look to the past to see what WE did, both positive & negative. Learn our patterns. Hopefully to see what we can do different this time around. Too much time and energy spent on reviewing and talking about the past can become overwhelming to the new relationship.
A new relationship requires and deserves your 100% attention. If you are still grieving the old and the past, it will spill into your present and your future. Building a new life requires determination and effort … and self-awareness is an important key in this process. Leftover anger, sadness, guilt, sense of unfairness or revenge will become obstacles in your new relationship.
Combining families includes combining parenting & communication styles in ways that can allow this New combination to flow dynamically. Trying to use the old without considering that the context is different can set you up for disappointment and conflict. The recognition that you choose you new partner, while your kids (& in-laws) have no choice can be helpful in this transition. It is a delicate balancing act to prioritize your partner within your children, yet without incorporating your partner in their life, they tend to feel peripheral or can take advantage of situations which will inevitably create chaos.
The symbolism of money is an important conversation in general. It is one of the most common arguments in relationships. And it is impacted by personal, family and past relationship history. In remarriage, it is crucial to discuss what money means to each of you. Especially if one partner has more assets than the other. Dreams and goals need to be lovingly explored and clarified to start off on the same path.
If you have been rejected, the lure of a new attachment is great. If you used a new relationship to leave your previous one, the lure of happiness is great. In either case, without allowing yourself the time to learn lessons from your first marriage, the tendency is to repeat the same ways. We are creatures of habit, and the familiar is safe. Even if it’s not good for us! You will need to use all the relationship skills you have acquired and be open to learning new relationship skills that are needed to succeed fully in This relationship.
