Holiday boundaries, like any other boundary, are really about setting boundaries with ourselves. Taking too much responsibility for others happiness and expectations is what tends to get us in trouble.
Personal boundaries are the limits we set for ourselves as individuals in relationships in order to protect our identity and guard us from the demands of others. It sounds like a contradiction: to be together we should keep ourselves separate! However it is in that separateness that a healthy “we” can develop. This is especially true in romantic relationships where the myth of becoming one is so strong. Yet boundaries are important in general and during this time of year, they become even more important in order to manage the stress and demands that can come with the holidays.
So how do we stay connected during the season and still preserve our sense of Self?
What are the activities or tasks that you will, or will not, do. Knowing yourself first eases the transition to talking with others about where to set your line. If you aren’t sure where to start, begin with your values. What’s most important to you at this point in your life? At what cost am I willing to continue to put others first?
Information sharing is a crucial piece to communication. Don’t expect others to be mind readers! Saying “no” gracefully and firmly is a learned skill. You may experience pushback at first, especially if this is really new to you, but lovingly persisting in drawing your line will increase your confidence and ease stress in the long run.
Some examples can include: how many invitations to accept? And which ones? A gift exchange instead of hunting for gifts for all family and friends. Consider potluck instead of hosting for all. Boundaries are best set calmly and quietly and firmly “thank you for the invite, however we are staying home this year.”
During this year of COVID, boundaries may need to be more emotional than physical. Much of the usual activities of the holiday season have become a no-no for health reasons. Although bittersweet for many of us, it actually may lighten the emotional load! We are not as obligated to visit, spend time with and gather with family and friends. The holidays have a negative side effect for many of us: Guilt. So although we are partially reprieved from the physical gathering, the emotional bonds may pull tighter.
Setting time aside for connection can be planned and scheduled now through the positive use of technology. Use this time to create new traditions, ones that lighten the load and share the wealth of tasks.
Holiday boundaries, like any other boundary, are really about setting boundaries with ourselves. Taking too much responsibility for others happiness and expectations is what tends to get us in trouble. Setting boundaries is not about abdicating all your responsibilities to others, it is about taking care of yourself, which in turn can allow you to help others more effectively. By establishing boundaries, and then consistently enforcing them, you can be in a healthier and happier place.
